By Kate Hanley
Body+Soul Magazine

Valentine’s Day might feel like simply another excuse to exchange gifts, but you can turn that thinking around and use this holiday for loftier purposes. “Much like New Year’s Day is an occasion to set goals for the coming year, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to reestablish your intentions for the life you want to create with your partner,” says Judith Ansara Gass, M.S.W., a therapist who, with her husband, Robert Gass, Ed.D., specializes in working with couples in committed relationships (for more information, visit sacredunion.com).
Using the holiday as a catalyst to remember why you love each other can spark growth. “You can change your relationship just by changing your own attitude or behavior,” Gass says. “And if you make those changes from a place of love, your relationship will thrive.” Here are her tips for a lasting relationship.

1. Express Gratitude

“One of the most important ways to build a relationship is to vocalize your appreciation,” Gass explains. Each day, share at least two things you appreciate about your partner, whether it’s something tiny (his smile) or large (his parenting skills).

2. Be the Change

According to Gass, blaming is a common reason relationships falter. Instead, she suggests you stop waiting for your partner to get it right and take the initiative. “Ask yourself, ‘How can I be generous instead of judgmental?’” she says. “Then use your voice and actions to demonstrate your love instead of your disappointment.”

3. Cultivate Your Listening Skills

Each week, set aside time to listen to each other. When it’s your turn, do nothing but pay attention—no suggestions or judgments—and reiterate what you’re hearing. (For example, “I hear that you’re upset.”) “Truly listening to your partner and reflecting his thoughts and feelings back to him supports him in solving his own problems,” Gass says. It also builds your compassion.

4. Practice Empathy

“Empathy is the antidote to judgment and blame,” Gass says. If you notice yourself feeling superior to or hurt by your partner, imagine yourself having his experience, so you can comprehend what he’s going through. “Understanding your partner’s point of view softens your heart,” explains Gass.

5. Remember Your Commitment During Difficult Times

When you and your partner are dealing with a challenge, Gass suggests sitting side by side with your shoulders touching when you discuss it. This reminds you of the connection between the two of you and puts the problem in front of you rather than between you.

6. Touch Every Day

Just as infants can fail to thrive if they’re not held enough, relationships can wither without regular loving, physical contact. Although sex definitely counts, Gass explains that “any nurturing, pleasurable touch is good.” Squeeze in a kiss before leaving for work, give your partner a neck rub after dinner, or snuggle while watching TV. (Or, better yet, do all three.)

7. Keep Your Agreements

The importance of honoring your vows is clear, but making good on even mundane commitments is also vital. “Keeping an agreement, no matter how small, builds trust, and trust is the foundation of all successful relationships,” says Gass. “If your partner asks you to pick up some milk on your way home and you agree, make sure you get the milk.”